MAR-A-LAGO, near Disneyland - In a stunning and unprecedented series of posts on Truth Social Wednesday that drew the rapt attention of U.S. pundits and America’s Reserve Army of Unemployed Basement-Dwelling Pajama-Wearing Link-Clickers alike, former U.S. President Donald J. Trump enthusiastically endorsed the bipartisan, bicameral Sanders-Warren-Leahy-DeFazio-Jayapal-Mace Yemen War Powers Resolution currently pending in Congress with 8 sponsors in the Senate and 114 sponsors in the House.
“Great nations do not fight endless wars!” thundered Trump, pounding the Teleprompter with his tiny fists for emphasis. “If we truly want to Make America Great Again, we need to stop fighting endless, unnecessary, unconstitutional, innocent baby-starving, genocidal wars of choice on behalf of the ‘cartoonishly despotic Saudi regime’ [registered trademark!], just to line the pockets of the corrupt, privileged, entitled, usurious, avaricious, latte-sipping, pointy-headed, silver-spoon, ruthless-cosmopolitan, East Coast liberal elite, Ivy League, opera-supporting, miscegenation-apologist billionayah oligarch CEOs at Boeing, Raytheon, and Lockheed Martin.”
Senior advisors to Trump insisted that Trump’s unprecedented and shocking Janus-like about-face on the issue was 100% sincere, despite the fact that while actually President, Trump sought to vigorously prosecute the unconstitutional and unnecessary baby-starving war of choice in a shameless attempt to curry favor with the ‘cartoonishly despotic Saudi regime’ [registered trademark!] and line the pockets of Boeing, Raytheon, and Lockheed Martin. The senior advisors to Trump quickly dismissed speculation that Trump’s move was a cynical, opportunist channel-changer to distract attention from the recent FBI raid on his shockingly repulsive porno-mansion to retrieve shoplifted public property.
Indeed, the senior advisors to Trump tried to turn the tables on the pointy-headed, Ivy League, East Coast liberal elite, silver-spoon, opera-supporting, so-called “journalists” who sought to question them on Trump’s apparent inconsistency. “Exactly what part of ‘that was then, this is now’ don’t you latte-sipping, opera-supporting, pointy-headed liberals understand?” the senior Trump advisors carefully explained.
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[Apologies to The Onion for shameless plagiarism. “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.”]